Doctor: Could you pay for an operation if I thought that it was necessary?

Patient: Would you think the operation was necessary if I couldn"t pay for it?

Teacher: Tom, your homework, in which you wrote about a cat, is very much like your brother"s story. How is that?

Tom: Nothing strange about that, we have only one cat at home.

Little Girl: Mother, my cat can talk.

Little Girl: I ask her what is two minus two and she says nothing.

Mother: What are you jumping up and down for, Paul?

Paul: I took my medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.

Hello! Is that Ted Wells?

Yes. Who is speaking?

Who? I don"t hear.

I say Sam: Sid, Ada, Mary. Do you hear?

Yes, I do. But which of you three is speaking now?

Mother: You are seven today. Happy birthday to you, Tommy.

Tommy: Thank you, Mummy.

Mother: Do you like to have a cake with seven candles on it for your birthday par-ty?

Tommy: I think I better have seven cakes and one candle, Mummy.

Tourist: Excuse me, but does this bus stop at Tenth Street?

Passenger: Yes. Watch me and get of one station before I do.

Tourist: Thank you.

Are you still looking for your dog, Bill?

Why don"t you put an advertisement in the paper?

What"s the use! The dog can"t read.

The waitress brought the soup to everyone in the dining-room of a small hotel. Mr. Smith got the last plate, and the waitress stayed for a moment beside his table; she was looking out of the window.

“It looks like rain,” she said.

“Yes,” said Mr. Smith (he had tasted the soup), “and it tastes like rain too.”

Mr. Gray was on holiday by the sea. He was staying in a small hotel but it was not о good hotel. The meals were very small. One day he sat down to dinner. His plate looked wet. He held it up to the waiter and said, “This plate is wet. Please bring me another.” “That"s your soup, sir,” replied the waiter.

At last the visitor had to say something about food.

“I don"t like this pie, Mrs. Fiddles,” he said. “Oh, don"t you?” said the angry landlady. “I was making pies before you were born.” “Perhaps this is one of them.”

“I"m doing very well in my driving lessons,” Betty said. “Yesterday I went 50 miles per hour. Tomorrow I"m going to try to open my eyes when I pass another car.”

The policeman stopped a woman driver for going too fast.

“When I saw you coming round that corner, I said to myself, “At least 45” the officer told her.

“Well,” was the answer. “I always look older in this hat.”

“Why were you driving too fast, madam?” the policeman asked.

“My breaks aren"t very good”, she answered, “and I was hurrying home before I had an accident

A gentleman was sitting quietly in a first-class compartment. Two ladies got in. One of them saw that the window was open, and she shut it

before sitting down.

“Open it again,” said the second lady. “I"ll die of suffocation if there is no fresh air.”

“I won"t open it,” said the first lady. “I"ll die of cold if the window is open.”

A quarrel started, and it continued until the gentleman-spoke:

“Let"s have the window shut until this lady has died of suffocation, and then we can have it open until this lady has died of cold. After that it will be nice and quiet in here again.”

The young doctor had just finished his train-ing. He didn"t know what the patient"s illness was.

“Have you had this before?” he asked.

“Yes, doctor.”

“Oh! Well! You"ve got it again.”

John Smith couldn"t sleep, so his doctor gave him some sleeping pills. He took a pill that night.

He felt well when he woke up, and he went to work cheerfully.

“I slept very well last night,” he told his boss.

“That"s good,” his boss said. “But where were you yesterday?”

“My boyfriend is wonderful,” said Helen. “He is rather nice, I must say,” said Kate. “He tells everyone that he is going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world,” said Helen.

“I am so sorry,” said Kate. “Perhaps he will change his mind and marry you after all.”

When a girl shows a ring and says that she is going to be married, it is usual to ask: “Who"s the lucky man?” It"s a silly question because everybody knows that the lucky man is her fa-ther.

“I love you so much! Do you think you could live on my salary?”

“Of course I could. But what would you live on?”

Mr. Brown finished his breakfast. Then he asked the waiter to bring the manager of the hotel.

"Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" said the manager when he arrived.

"You must have a very clean kitchen here," said Mr. Brown.

"That is very kind of you to say so, sir,” said the manager. "But what makes you think we have a very clean kitchen?"

"Well," replied Mr. Brown, "everything tastes of soap."

"What"s the meaning of this fly in my

"I don"t know, sir. I"m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

A man was just finishing his lunch in a restaurant. The waitress asked if he would like coffee.

"Yes, please," he replied.

The waitress went away but came back quickly and asked, "With cream or with-out, sir?"

"Without cream," he replied.

Then, after a much longer wait, the waitress returned. "I"m very sorry," she said. "There is no more cream. Will you have it without milk?"

Little Tommy liked to ask questions. One day he asked his father one more question. His father did not know the answer. "Don"t ask me so many ques-tions," he said. "You have already asked me nearly a hundred questions today. I didn"t ask my father half as many ques-tions."

"Well, Daddy, perhaps you would know more of the answers to my questions if you had asked more," said Tommy.

Mr. and Mrs. White had a very good table in their dining-room. It was made of the best wood. When Mr. and Mrs. Brown visited the Whites, little Tommy White was hammering nail after nail into the costly table.

"Isn"t that a rather expensive game?" Mr. Brown asked.

"Oh, no," Mr. White answered. "I get the nails at the shop on the corner. They are really quite cheap."

Billy didn"t ask for a cake. He reached past the lady visitor and took one.

"Billy!" said his mother sharply. "Haven"t you got a tongue?"

"Yes, Mum," Billy replied. "But it won"t reach as far as the cakes."

How Many Were There?

The police in a big city were looking for a robber. One day they caught him and took him to prison. But while they were taking photo-graphs of him — from the front, from the left, from the right, with a hat, without a hat — he suddenly attacked the policeman and ran away.

Then a week later the telephone rang in the police-station, and somebody said, “You’re look-ing for Bill Cross, aren’t you?”

“Well, he left here for Waterbridge an hour ago.”

Waterbridge was a small town 100 miles from the city. The city police immediately sent four different photographs of the robber to the police in Waterbridge. Less than twelve hours later they got a telephone call from the police in Waterbridge. “We have caught three of the men,” they said happily, “and we hope to catch the fourth this evening.”

The Sea on Strike

Many years ago, a London theatre performed a play with a terrible storm at sea in one of the scenes. The waves were made by some boys who jumped up and down under a large piece of green cloth. Each boy received a shilling a night for his work.

The play was very popular and the hall was usually full. But the director of the theatre wanted to make still more money from the performances, and he decided to lower the boys" pay from a shilling to sixpence. This made the boys angry, and they decided to go on strike for a shilling a night.

During the next performance, when the storm began, there was enough loud noise on the stage, but the sea was absolutely calm, not one wave could be seen. The theatre director immediately ran behind the stage, raised a corner of the green cloth and shouted, “Waves! Waves! Why aren"t you making waves?!” One of the boys sitting under the cloth asked him, “Do you want sixpenny waves or shilling waves?"

“All right, all right!" the director said. “I"ll give you a shilling, only give me the waves!”

Tremendous waves immediately began to appear on the sea, and everybody agreed that they had never seen a better storm in the theatre.

An Anecdote About Mark Twain

One of Mark Twain"s hobbies was fish-ing, and he used to go fishing even in the closed season when fishing was not al-lowed. Like many fishermen, he some-times invented stories about the number of fish he caught.

One day during the closed season, Mark Twain sat fishing under a little bridge. A man crossing the bridge saw him fishing there. The man stood watching Mark Twain fishing, and then he asked, “Have you caught many fish?"

“Not yet,” Mark Twain answered. “I"ve only just begun. But yesterday I caught thirty big fish here.”

“That"s very interesting,” the man said. “Do you know who I am?"

“No,” Mark Twain said. “I don"t think I ever saw you before."

“I"m the fishing inspector for this dis-trict," the man said.

"And do you know who I am?” Mark Twain asked quickly.

“No, of course not,” said the inspector.

"I am the biggest liar on the Mississip-pi,” Mark Twain told him.

Tea Leaves

There was a time when drinking tea was almost unknown in European countries; many people had never even heard of tea. This anecdote is about an old woman and her son, who lived at that time.

The woman"s son was a sailor, and every time he returned from a far-away country, he brought his mother a gift. Naturally, he tried to bring something unusual that she could show to her friends.

Once, the young man came back from India with a box of tea for his mother. She didn"t know anything about tea, but she liked the smell, and invited all her friends to come and taste it. When her son came into the room, he saw cakes and fruit and sweets on the table, and a big plate filled with tea-leaves. His mother and her friends were sitting round the table, eating the leaves with butter and salt. Though they all smiled, it was clear that they didn"t enjoy eating the leaves.

“Where is tea, Mother?” the sailor asked.

His mother pointed to the plate in the middle of the table.

“No, no, that is only the leaves of the tea,” the sailor said. “Where is the water?”

“The water!” his mother said. “I threw the water away, of course! out of the set!” He smiled to himself, lit his pipe and began reading his favourite book

Я давно преподаю английский язык, и в мою методику входит самостоятельное чтение, которое выглядит примерно так: после каждого занятия я посылаю ученику на e-mail рассказ на английском, который он дома читает (иногда еще и слушает, если к тексту есть аудио), а на следующее занятие пересказывает мне.

Теперь я решила выложить эти рассказы, чтобы их могли использовать все желающие – как те, кто самостоятельно изучает английский и ищет что-нибудь интересное почитать, так и такие же, как я, учителя в постоянном поиске материала для своих учеников.

Рассказы на английском распределены по трём категориям: попроще, средней сложности и посложнее. К большинству текстов прилагается аудио, в этом случае рассказ можно послушать прямо на странице чтения или скачать в формате mp3. Здесь, к сожалению, нет материалов для детей – все тексты рассчитаны на взрослых. Некоторые из них адаптированы, другие – нет. Авторы самые разные: часть рассказов написана О’Генри, некоторые – Марком Твеном, другие принадлежат перу менее известных и более современных английских и американских писателей. Но абсолютно все опробованы на моих студентах и одобрены ими.

Список текстов постоянно пополняется. Читайте, слушайте, учитесь и учите других!

Избранные статьи

Хотите оперативно узнавать о появлении новых материалов и рассказов? Вступайте в мою группу ВКонтакте:

Я хочу, чтобы все материалы на этом сайте оставались бесплатными. Если вы поддержите его развитие, я смогу чаще добавлять тексты и аудио, писать новые полезные статьи и расширять функционал. А ещё я буду очень вам благодарна:)

Малыши с радостью познают окружающий мир, впитывая в себя все, что в нем происходит. Воспользуйтесь этой искренней любознательностью и добавьте в окружение малыша английскую речь, читая с ним рассказы на английском для детей. Небольшие английские сказки дадут ребенку возможность ознакомиться со звучанием языка, узнать новые слова и фразы, научиться читать и понимать по-английски. В сегодняшнем материале вы найдете легкие и интересные детские рассказы на английском языке с переводом текста на русский, а также полезные рекомендации по проведению таких занятий.

Прежде чем привлекать малыша к чтению на английском, необходимо тщательно продумать план своего занятия и отобрать подходящие материалы.

Детишкам, только начинающим знакомство с иностранным языком, рекомендуется брать адаптированную литературу на английском языке для детей. Эти сказки переработаны и упрощены до минимума: текст написан короткими предложениями, с часто повторяющимися словами и яркими вспомогательными картинками .

Не забывайте и о том, что у сказки для детей на английском обязательно должен быть перевод. Так и вы, и малыш, будете чувствовать себя увереннее, зная, что всегда можно свериться с правильным значением слов.

Чтобы привлечь непосед к чтению или прослушиванию сказок, используйте игровые методы и свою неограниченную фантазию. Главное, постоянно взаимодействовать с ребенком и не дать ему заскучать. Просматривайте с малышом красивые картинки и играйте в «вопросы и ответы» (кто/что это?), прочитывайте реплики героев разными голосами, вместе заучивайте новую лексику и старайтесь строить небольшие диалоги.

Необязательно изучать рассказы для детей и истории на английском только в текстовом формате. Сочетайте все возможные методы познавания языка: прослушивайте аудиоверсии сказок, записанные носителями языка, или отвлекайтесь на просмотр красочных и динамичных видеороликов с текстом сказки .

Усвоив все приведенные выше советы, перейдем к воплощению их на практике. Далее приводим короткие рассказы на английском с параллельным русским переводом.

Сказки и рассказы на английском для детей

The Goose that laid the Golden Eggs (Гусь, несущий золотые яйца)

Удача улыбнулась им! Но вскоре муж и жена начали думать, что так они еще долго не станут зажиточными богачами.

Так муж и жена решились убить птицу. Однако, разделывая гуся, они были сильно удивлены: изнутри он был точно такой же, как и все подобные ему птицы!

The crocodile (Крокодильчик)

Однажды малыш-крокодил посчитал все свои блестящие чешуйки, и получилась их целая тысяча. Их было намного больше, чем он думал прежде.

Крокодильчик загадал перед сном, чтобы на подушку выпало 40 чешуинок. Но этого не случилось. Не выпали они и через три недели.

Крокодильчик проснулся, и о чудо! На подушке лежало 40 блестящих чешуек. Он раздал их 20 крокодилам: каждому по 2 чешуйки. С тех пор все подружились с добрым малышом-крокодильчиком.

The boy who cried “Wolf!” (Мальчик, который кричал «Волки!»)

У него была одна шутка, которую он часто играл с людьми. Мальчик бежал вниз и очень громко выкрикивал: Волк! Волк! Помогите мне кто-нибудь! Здесь волк!

Однажды выдался замечательный теплый денек. Мальчишка спал под деревом. Вдруг он услышал странный звук. Мальчик проснулся и увидел крупного серого зверя. Это был волк.

Но на этот раз никто не пришел спасать мальчика. Потому что никто не поверит лгуну, даже если он вдруг решит сказать правду. Когда мальчик не вернулся ночью домой, люди отправились его искать. Но им так никогда и не удалось отыскать мальчишку.

Chemist"s Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It"s the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I"ll be damned if I didn"t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Очередной интересный текст на английском языке с переводом и озвучкой (аудио) носителем из моего курса для начинающих "Английский по скайпу с Викторией Фабишек". Также вам будут интересны и полезны другие истории на английском в разделе . При копировании текста, перевода или аудио и размещении на сторонник ресурсах ссылка на этот сайт обязательна.

Если вы желаете больше практиковаться на английском, причем, не только онлайн, но и по skype, то . Я вам помогу.

A MAGIC RING

Once upon a time there lived a young farmer. He worked very hard but was very poor. One day when he was far from home in the forest, an old woman looking like a peasant came up to him and said, «I know you work very hard, and all for nothing. I will give you a magic ring! It will make you rich, and your work won’t be in vain. When you turn the ring on your finger and say what you wish to have, you’ll have it at once! But there is only one wish in the ring, so think carefully before you wish.»

The astonished farmer took the ring given to him by the peasant woman, and went home. In evening he came to a big city. There he went to a merchant and showed him the magic ring. When the merchant heard the astonishing story, he thought of a plan. He invited the farmer to stay in his house for the night. At night he came up to the sleeping peasant, carefully took the ring off the man’s finger, and put on another ring, which looked exactly like the one he had taken off.

In the morning when the farmer had gone away, the merchant ran into his shop, shut the door, and said while turning the ring on his finger, «I wish to have a hundred thousand pieces of gold.» And down they came, on his head, shoulders, and arms, like a rain of gold! The frightened merchant tried to get out of the shop, but in vain. In a few minutes he was dead.

When the farmer returned home, he showed the ring to his wife. «Take a look at this ring,» he said. «It’s a magic ring! It will make us happy.”

The astonished woman could hardly say a word «Let’s try. Maybe the ring will bring us more land,» she said at last.

“We must be careful about our wish. Don’t forget there’s only one thing that we may ask for,» he explained. «Let’s better work hard for another year, and we’ll have more land.”

So they worked as hard as they could and got enough money to buy the land they wished to have. «What happy people we are!» said the farmer.

“I don’t understand you,» answered his wife angrily. «There’s nothing in the world that we can’t have, and still we spend days and nights working as hard as before, because you don’t want to use your magic ring!”

Thirty, then forty years had gone by. The farmer and his wife had grown old. Their hair became as white as snow. They were happy and had everything they wanted. Their ring was still there. Although it was not a magic ring, it had made them happy. For you see, my dear friends, a poor thing in good hands is better than a fine thing in bad hands.

ВОЛШЕБНОЕ КОЛЬЦО

Жил-был молодой фермер, который работал усердно, но так и не разбогател. Однажды, когда он был далеко от дома в лесу, какая-то старая женщина крестьянского вида подошла к нему и произнесла:

Я знаю, ты работаешь словно вол, но все напрасно. Я дам тебе волшебное колечко - ты будешь богат, как того и заслуживаешь. Как только повернешь кольцо и произнесешь желание, оно исполнится. Но только раз ты можешь его использовать. Так что, хорошо подумай прежде чем загадать!

Удивленный фермер взял колечко и отправился домой. Он думал об этой интересной истории, не переставая. По пути он зашел в к купцу и показал ему подарок. Когда тот услышал увлекательную историю, он пригласил фермера остаться ночевать у себя в доме. Ночью он подкрался к простофиле, аккуратно снял кольцо с пальца, а вместо него нанизал другое, которое было точно таким же.

Утром, когда фермер проснулся и ушел домой, богач прибежал к себе в магазин, повернул кольцо и воскликнул: "Желаю, чтобы у меня было сто тысяч золотых слитков!". Потом он повернул кольцо, и тут же на его голову, плечи, да и на все тело пролился дождь из золота. Испуганный купец пытался бежать, но напрасно - слишком много падало золота. Вскоре он был погребен под слитками и умер.

Когда фермер пришел домой, он решился рассказать жене о своем кольце.

Возьми его, оно волшебное. Мы будем счастливы!

Удивленная женщина едва не потеряла дар речи.

Интересная история, а давай попробуем... Может быть, у нас будет больше земли, - наконец она произнесла.

Мы должны быть осторожны со своими желаниями. Помни, у нас только один шанс, - пояснил он. - Давай будем работать еще усерднее, тогда мы сможем купить еще земли и без кольца.

Они работали изо всех сил, заработали денег и расширили границы участка. Радости их не было предела.